After months of not cutting

I did it…

And I hate myself for it.

I want to make a deep long line right on my wrist.

I want to feel the sting and pain.

I miss it.

I need it.

I thought I was better….

I hate stress so much. And I hate how much stress I’m under… It made me almost cut yesterday :(
And I still want to…

I hate how everytime I get sad it’s not a normal person sad
It’s like a -someone just died- sad and I hate it
I can get so depressed over the littlest things
And I hate how upset I can get over a boy
When I get really upset I start sobbing and god I hate crying
But I want to die so much right now
I could and probably would lose the closest person to me
And the person I love the most in this world and I just really wanna curl up in a ball and die
I also hate how bipolar I can be
I wasn’t diagnosed with it but I sure can act that way
For example, I think I shouldn’t be in a relationship until I’m completely better so I keep breaking up with my boyfriend but I really really really don’t want to lose him
God sometimes I seriously think everything would be better if I was just dead.

Well, I’m taking pills for my depression and to keep me from cutting but I still think about it.  I hate how this addiction has so much of a hold on me.  Well, thats exactly why they call it that; an addiction.  You can’t understand this at all unless you’ve done it.  To feel upset and hopeless enough to scar your own body.  To hate yourself enough that you don’t care if you have these lines and sometimes words on your body for the rest of your life, to just not care about anything.  I started feeling like this back in seventh grade.  It shows in my grades too… I went from having B’s and A’s to C’s and D’s.  I just didn’t care about my future cause I figured… I wouldn’t even be here for my future.  When I first cut, or at least attempted to, I used a paper clip.  I know they don’t do much damage but they still cause marks and bring up some skin.  Honestly, I started for attention.  I felt so lonely I guess.  I was always the mess up child, with two practically perfect older brothers.  But when I told my friends, looking for help, they just laughed and called me ‘paper clip lady’.  The next time I did it I used a broken pen.  And I made myself bleed.  I would randomly start crying, just laying in my bed, wanting to die.  I had asked my dad many times what he thought about people who went to therapy, sadly he didn’t catch on.  One time I even emailed my mom telling her that I thought I was depressed.  But then I deleted it from her account.  In ninth grade I really started cutting a lot.  My hips and legs are scarred up.  I’m not ashamed of them, I love my scars.  They show the battles I’ve gone through and am going through now.  But I still get scared of what people could possibly think about them.  During this school year someone told the school about my cutting.  They also showed them my tumblr, the reason for me changing my tumblr URL.  They called my parents and told them.  Everything in the house seemed to change.  My parents started fighting more.  And they were being so careful around me, I hated it.  I especially hated it when my mom said to me ‘I just don’t understand why you would do something so horrible to your body! I used to see things about it and think it was so disgusting.”  Wow, thanks mom, that makes me feel so great.  Anyway, In February I started therapy and I started getting better.  But then for some reason I relapsed again.  Around the end of the school year I got put on antidepressants.  Since then my dosage has been raised from 25 mgs to 75 mgs and then back down to 50 mgs, because I had become too fidgety.

Well, thats pretty much my whole story.  Hi, I’m Kaitlin and I’m a recovering cutter.  Nice to meet you!